Category Archives: Faking It

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…



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Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

Why bitch?

As I try to keep bettering myself I am left wondering why so many people bitch about what’s wrong and never try to change?  I am just so sick of hearing what wrong and never hear people say how they are going to fix it and the steps they are going to take to do so!

Time for a true story. A couple of weeks ago I was at Name that Tune (don’t judge me I am lame and I like it that way!) and a person in our party (I wouldn’t even call him a friend if I was drunk) was complaining about his health. Well, he has Crohn’s and he had part of his bowls resected a few months ago. I told him I know someone who can help and gave him his card. Me and this chap (lets call him StupidO) have had many conversation about how he need to change his diet and he is either the DUMBEST person on earth or need to sue his doctor because he said no one has ever talked to him about his diet BUT he was given a diet to follow. I know is that hard to follow because I was in the conversation and wanted to hang myself just to get out of it. Well, anyways I gave him a number of someone who can help him. Yesterday he was bragging on Social Media he just ate 24 boneless wings! WTF never talk to me again on how you are always feeling ill!

My wonderful other-half does it on his weight all the time, shut up and do something.

I really want people to start taking ownership and fixing what is broken. Let me tell you it isn’t easy but at the end of the day you feel much better bettering yourself rather than bitching about what you have problems with. I think I am going to institute a new rule, I am only going to acknowledge you when you are complaining about something you are working on. Like when MM (name I am giving my otherhalf) bitches about his weight I will only engage him if he is actually doing something about it and I don’t think sneaking up at midnight for a peanut butter sandwich counts as productively working toward weight loss. I am serious, he did that last night. Or maybe I will just start being cruel like if StupidO (who is currently bumping uglys with my friend) starts whining about his health I will kindly just start writing his obituary on a napkin… OH and look then I am working on myself to, writing more!

I am really not a people person!

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Filed under Faking It, Judging, Prefection, standards, Uncategorized, who am i

Letter to one of my Ex’s; always the victim

I have been inspired to take my anger out on my blog and not on people them selves. I am now starting to write angry letters to my ex’s and jack asses I come across regularly. Here is one to the most recent.

Dear Mr. Always the victim,

I tried to end it amicably but instead you had to make your self out to be the victim. Did you ever think maybe that’s why you are so miserable with your life? Yea your wife cheated on you for five plus years but guess what you are not alone and actually look at the damn bright side at least it wasn’t 10, at least you did have to drag children through it! Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be upset that you lied to God’s face but maybe if you took your head out of your ass for thirty seconds you could see it could have been worse.

You are still hung up on your marriage and there is no way you can date anyone when you are still living in the past. There is no easy way to put that and I even told you that to your face. You keep tell people that I hate you, that I gave up, that I never want to speak to you again. You know what, right now you are right but when we went our separate ways I was more than willing to be a friend. I got so sick of hearing about how miserable your life is that no one can blame me for wanting out. Its life you jack ass and now you just sacrificed an extra year to your ex wife who already took ten years from you.

You bitched, whined and moaned so much that I stopped listening to you a month into us dating. You said your friends suck and never called you back, hmmmm maybe because they are sick of hearing you too. You complained about sex, well maybe had you not sucked at it you would have gotten it more. It is one thing to have a crooked penis but damn learn what to do with it. No woman wants to screw in missionary for four hours. To be taught you need to know that there is room for improvement and listen here there is plenty of room for improvement. People who work also do not want to be woken up with someone’s hand down their pants every night at three am when you wake up at five. Maybe besides not always bitching about your life you should also take others needs into thought. If you want to be selfish maybe you just need a fuck buddy but then again you have to know how to screw first.

You are so dependant on the opposite sex it is disturbing. Proving my point you are not over your marriage. Maybe you should see someone about that! You blame everyone else and never once did you look at yourself. I have never seen such a needy man in my life. You need everyone’s pity and that just makes you pathetic. You are a grown man so maybe having balls is something you should look into. If you want an adult relationship you need to be an adult first. How about you work on getting a pair of big boy pants, strap on boots and grow up and start living your damn life.

Warmest Regards,

Your ex who thinks you’re a pussy!

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Filed under Dating, Faking It, Friends

>I want a Luke

>26 almost 27 yrs and I figured it out, I want a Luke.

If you do not know who Luke Danes is I highly recommend watching Gilmore Girls. Through it all I have watched and have watched over and over again. It is by far my favorite show. I understand when Lorelei says “say something”. I empathize with her tears and the “The Way We Were” analogy about the relationship. I want a Luke.

I want a man who you can see the desire in their eyes. I want someone who loves you so much that they would pass up their dream house for your uttermost happiness. I want to be so blinded by love that you don’t know he is there but know that I do not want them to marry anyone with absolutely no explanation behind it. Further more that they wouldn’t marry just because I said no.

I want a Luke. I need a Luke. I need someone who get my quirks and knows nothing will change them. I need someone who I can’t live with out and can’t live without me. It will take searching but at least I know now where to start.

I know that I have started on the right track again. No more with this “but I’ll hurt him” crap. I read a lot of books and I see a little in each hero what I desire for but even the height of perfections of Mr. Darcy, Zack Zematis, Edward Cullen, Jake Templeton and Davey Dempsey no shows more of what I want/ need as Luke Danes.

Luke is witty, compassionate, and caring. Also pigheaded and independent. I love the fact he will tell anyone what is wrong and how to correct it. He backs down from no one. I need to have someone who is not afraid to tell me where to shove it and to shut up, though I may not listen.

My quote of the day needs an explanation so before the lengthy quote let me explain something about me. I have been told many time I remind people of Lorelei or Rory. I only wish it was because I looked like them, but sadly I do not. I do talk like them. I reference a lot of things and talk really fast. I have done this as long as I can remember and have only been watching GG since 2003. This quote is a typical Mous move. Lorelei has called Luke after they broke up and this is the message she leaves him.

I want a Luke, period! I hope you will sick around and watch me drowned in my attempts 🙂 I look forward to it!

Quote of the day:

Lorelai: Hey, Luke, it’s me. I know I’m not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and… I was just wondering if, do you remember in ‘The Way We Were’, how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I’ve seen this movie a lot, so if you don’t remember the putting the books away scene, don’t feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I’m in my house, and I was just, uh… Could – please come over. I – please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please – come over. Please. Come – Oh, my God.

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Filed under Faking It, Gilmore Girls, Love, Manhunting, Not Another Bad Date, Pride and Prejudice, Twighlight