Category Archives: Friends

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…



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Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

On the trying path…

Ok so on this path of doing this writing thing, I know I am sucking, but I am making an effort. I promise. I just got a new mini netbook to try to do it more regular. It is called the Wolvol and it is ubber tiny. I will keep you posted on this…

BTW I am actually working on a big post AND I will have you know I have once again fell into love with my workout!


Filed under career, Crap, Friends, Love, weight lifting

Hello NEW and IMPROVED life!

Happy Friday everyone!!!

There is a lot going on this weekend and guess what its not all on my DVR! Do you know what that means? I have a life again! Not only am I seeing someone who I don’t have to take everywhere with me but I have made a effort to be a better friend (See you the 19th missy, btw I can’t figure this skype thing out).

For  the first time in a year and a half I am back and better than ever. I wish it didn’t take a loser to make me realize what was wrong but I am kinda glad he did. Now I have been working on a few books for awhile now but I have been so against myself I have not had the drive to do anything with them so back to them I shall go. I am not good at writing and the only way to get better is to practice so I have started practicing again. What you haven’t seen me practicing the last few days? Well, I try to keep my dating struggles off this blog and it has failed sometime so if you care check out my other one A new road. My goal is to write one post a day minus weekends and when I feel confidant I will return to my books.

Not that anyone care what my weekend plans are but since I am female I will tell you anyways. I have happy hour at Moo’s house tonight (I love when my friends come up with nicknames for them selves so much easier) and Sorach has her wedding in a few months which I am going to it alone to avoid unnecessary drama (will explain on my other blog at another time) and we are doing invites tomorrow. I am going to try to have a day date with boy who will remain nameless (bwwrn from now until he earns his nickname) on Sunday. I am also going to hit the gym at least twice the next three days. I have a fricken life and great friends!

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Filed under Dating, Friends, life, who am i

What do you want???

Dear male friend with intentions unknown,

You are the reason why women walk around constantly confused and have no idea how to take things. I would call you a liar but that doesn’t always fit. Some time I think your type is just as confused as females. Usually, I just go with the every man just wants ass but sometimes I can’t help but think you just want more. Well, before I go on my diatribe if you find your self as being one of these men who just isn’t telling someone something about what you want. Grow a set and tell them! Yes, you may get rejected. You may just get a chance. You may find out that you really don’t want anything. I know men do not like talking about things but if you put your intentions out there at least they are known. With that said…

There are two types of unknown intentions.

  1. The just want a piece of ass and don’t want to come off as a dick
  2. You want to be more than friends and don’t want to ruin a friendship

Piece of ass man:

You are the reason women question every man. If you were just upfront with us you would realize most of the time we are very understanding of your sexual needs. We may not be on the same page as you but we would understand. You do not need to go around and mislead us into thinking you actually would like more from us.

Usually the men who just are ass hunting have became very good at lying to our faces. It is lying. No one likes to be called a liar but to manipulate and mislead is a far worse thing that just deceiving. They have become the reason dating is harder now than ever.

No one trusts any one. The females have so many walls up it is just perceived as drama and games. In reality we don’t know who to trust. We do not intend to play games or be difficult but we have been left with no choice. We constantly fear just being used. The best part is we have needs too. Sometime we just want a piece of ass as well or are in the market for a relationship without strings. We learned as children that honesty is the best policy and to do one to others that you would have done to your self. If you don’t want us crazy then don’t lie to us. If you don’t want to deal with drama don’t mislead us.

It is true we are crazy because men made us that way. It’s not the good guys, the average guys or even the ass holes that makes us crazy. It is the guys who lie and deceive us. It is the users, the ones who lead us on and drop us right after we give them the one thing they wanted with out even having the nerve to tell us the truth. The supposed ass holes are only considered ass holes because they actually are truthful. I actually have respect for the ass holes.  The average guy just wants to get by with a happy, easy life and to be surrounded by people and relationships that are easy. The good guys tend to be the ones who really get screwed by the piece of ass man.

Don’t want to ruin anything man:

So you have a girl friend that you are afraid of losing? Are you guys that great of friends that you would be missing out on something?  Is she that big of a bitch that you can’t sit down and have an adult conversation with her? Either way is it really that big of a deal? Why not just say something? Yes, if she doesn’t want anything more it may be awkward the next time you see each other. If things don’t work out you may loss a friend. What if things do work? The best part of dating a friend is you don’t have awkward beginning like most relationships have. The older you get the easier it becomes to date a friend. Plus, it is not inevitable that if things go south that you ruin a friendship. Things only get ruined if there was cheating or you date for a long time and it goes south. A few dates and if things don’t work out it just becomes an inside joke.

If you grow a set maybe she will commend your attempts and it will work in your favor. Maybe she has been wondering if there is something more, too. I mean really what are you afraid of losing? A drinking buddy? If she is a friend she will listen and you won’t lose anything. It is your choice, you probably know her better than the other douche bags at the bar so you already have one up. Go ahead try. Stop thinking so much about it and just do it man!

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Filed under being wrong, Crap, Crushes, Dating, Friends, relationship

Letter to one of my Ex’s; always the victim

I have been inspired to take my anger out on my blog and not on people them selves. I am now starting to write angry letters to my ex’s and jack asses I come across regularly. Here is one to the most recent.

Dear Mr. Always the victim,

I tried to end it amicably but instead you had to make your self out to be the victim. Did you ever think maybe that’s why you are so miserable with your life? Yea your wife cheated on you for five plus years but guess what you are not alone and actually look at the damn bright side at least it wasn’t 10, at least you did have to drag children through it! Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be upset that you lied to God’s face but maybe if you took your head out of your ass for thirty seconds you could see it could have been worse.

You are still hung up on your marriage and there is no way you can date anyone when you are still living in the past. There is no easy way to put that and I even told you that to your face. You keep tell people that I hate you, that I gave up, that I never want to speak to you again. You know what, right now you are right but when we went our separate ways I was more than willing to be a friend. I got so sick of hearing about how miserable your life is that no one can blame me for wanting out. Its life you jack ass and now you just sacrificed an extra year to your ex wife who already took ten years from you.

You bitched, whined and moaned so much that I stopped listening to you a month into us dating. You said your friends suck and never called you back, hmmmm maybe because they are sick of hearing you too. You complained about sex, well maybe had you not sucked at it you would have gotten it more. It is one thing to have a crooked penis but damn learn what to do with it. No woman wants to screw in missionary for four hours. To be taught you need to know that there is room for improvement and listen here there is plenty of room for improvement. People who work also do not want to be woken up with someone’s hand down their pants every night at three am when you wake up at five. Maybe besides not always bitching about your life you should also take others needs into thought. If you want to be selfish maybe you just need a fuck buddy but then again you have to know how to screw first.

You are so dependant on the opposite sex it is disturbing. Proving my point you are not over your marriage. Maybe you should see someone about that! You blame everyone else and never once did you look at yourself. I have never seen such a needy man in my life. You need everyone’s pity and that just makes you pathetic. You are a grown man so maybe having balls is something you should look into. If you want an adult relationship you need to be an adult first. How about you work on getting a pair of big boy pants, strap on boots and grow up and start living your damn life.

Warmest Regards,

Your ex who thinks you’re a pussy!

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Filed under Dating, Faking It, Friends


I have always wondered what it was like to be a cool kid. What it was to be the pretty one. How it felt to have the boys want to jump me. How great it would be to run around in my bikini!


After years of watching the “cool, pretty” people the one thing I can say is at least I know who I am.  At least my friend will stand by me and not just follow me around like drones.  I never have to question do I look fat? Even if I did no one would care because I just blend in. I never have to wonder if my makeup is on right, because on the freak chance I am wearing makeup no one can tell I am wearing it. I never have to wonder how hot I look because I never look hot. I blend!

At first that sounds horrific! Who wants to blend in with everyone else? Look at it this way…

When the pretty girl trips in a bar everyone notices. I trip only my friends notice.When I don’t feel like getting ready no one cares, no one has a preconceived notion on how I should appear in public. I get to be an ass to whom ever I deem fit to be an ass hole to. Pretty people feel they have to be liked. I know I can be a huge bitch. I don’t have to impress my friends with guys whose status is not only that of a pedigree but also drop dead gorgeous. It is perfectly acceptable for me to bring around a man from the military or a boy who works on the farm, a man who works hard labor or a business man.  They can even be an ass and it is no big surprise.  Really, socially it is far better to be the one who blends then the one trying to be better than everyone else.

I plan on letting the pretty stay pretty and I will just make them laugh and everyone else around me. I will continue to be the bad ass that just looks like everyone else.  For the bikini… maybe next year!

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Filed under being wrong, Dating, Friends, fun, habits, Judging, who am i

Whats wrong with kids today? Whats wrong with us?

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that they are someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher

About a week ago I had the privilege to watch my good friend kid. This isn’t the first time I have watched him and every time I learn a lot about myself. As he gets older and is becoming a small adult I find he is teaching me a lot about the world and how things are perceived. As we get older and acquire more and more responsibilities’ we truly for get what the world looks like preadulthood. This is where the youngins think we were never once their age. When you are like me and don’t have kids I get a special look into both sides. The kids/teens see me as a bigger, cooler version of their parents with close to the same respect. Yes, I said respect. They respect you, everyday they just do not understand what your life is. I just saw first hand that they don’t understand and partially because we forgot something… they are kids being kids.

To anyone under 18 their job is to grow up and it is a full time job. Think about it. They go to school almost 40 hours a week, just like we work. They have homework, oh god that word. EVERYONE hates HW time and who can blame all of us, once again we forget it is easy for us because we have already had that job. We mastered it; we did the work and learned the fine tunings of it. I remember being in third grade losing it with my mom about learning my seven multiplication facts (I hated 7s). I know them now (kinda). I made it, learned it and am alive to write this. I got my piece of paper saying I conquered k-12 and moved on to learn more. For those under 18 they haven’t conquered it yet and that is not their only task. They have to be well rounded. Socially and physically is part of growing up to. What about those wonderful traits we have or don’t but want them to thrive with? Oops they have to learn those too! We put them in sports to help them develop, we want them to play because that is how you learn, we want them to learn to clean and fix things with out constant reminders from us of all of this they must do. They are merely children and after all of this, ask your child what is it you do. They have no idea the lives of us adults.

I asked my friends kid what his mom does, no idea. I asked him how the house gets clean, the groceries get bought and put away (we all know that is the worst), cloths get cleaned, meals get made, dog and ‘cat’(Satan) get clean and taken care of, how he gets new cloths and shoes and reminded him his dad had to work all day long and a lot of time out of town. As we forgot he forgot, she had a lot to do in one day to make sure he had his time to grow and learn. What about pops? We he just fixes computers and talks to people “sometimes”. JUST, just like mom what they do is minor and inconsequential of what he had to accomplish in a day. How much money is a house? $124.00 and eating out daily is cheap and should be a prerequisite. Concepts that are still new to him and he has to yet learn. If a house is 124.00 a car would be about 20.00 and a meal would be less than 1.00. Oh but how far from the real world that is but then again the concept of the Civil War and the Holocaust are completely lost on him and everyone else his age. Think about it, no one has ever been ostracized because creed or color. Bulling and hate is merely to a child what you get when one or group of kids just don’t like you. Math is just the 4 basics, nothing harder than long division and they have never seen a school book costing more than 12.00. Art is just art and theology is just what they have been raised to believe or not believe. Our opinions are theirs and no one can tell them their parents are wrong but themselves.

They are just little people living with us in this world and we all know we have to teach them but I finally realized they have a lot to teach us on everything we forgot. They have their own tasks they MUST accomplish and truly they must accomplish them fully other wise they are not well rounded and we push them to understand why we want so much for them but also understand this world is new to them in every aspect.

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Filed under being wrong, Friends, Goals