Category Archives: Prefection

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…



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Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

Why bitch?

As I try to keep bettering myself I am left wondering why so many people bitch about what’s wrong and never try to change?  I am just so sick of hearing what wrong and never hear people say how they are going to fix it and the steps they are going to take to do so!

Time for a true story. A couple of weeks ago I was at Name that Tune (don’t judge me I am lame and I like it that way!) and a person in our party (I wouldn’t even call him a friend if I was drunk) was complaining about his health. Well, he has Crohn’s and he had part of his bowls resected a few months ago. I told him I know someone who can help and gave him his card. Me and this chap (lets call him StupidO) have had many conversation about how he need to change his diet and he is either the DUMBEST person on earth or need to sue his doctor because he said no one has ever talked to him about his diet BUT he was given a diet to follow. I know is that hard to follow because I was in the conversation and wanted to hang myself just to get out of it. Well, anyways I gave him a number of someone who can help him. Yesterday he was bragging on Social Media he just ate 24 boneless wings! WTF never talk to me again on how you are always feeling ill!

My wonderful other-half does it on his weight all the time, shut up and do something.

I really want people to start taking ownership and fixing what is broken. Let me tell you it isn’t easy but at the end of the day you feel much better bettering yourself rather than bitching about what you have problems with. I think I am going to institute a new rule, I am only going to acknowledge you when you are complaining about something you are working on. Like when MM (name I am giving my otherhalf) bitches about his weight I will only engage him if he is actually doing something about it and I don’t think sneaking up at midnight for a peanut butter sandwich counts as productively working toward weight loss. I am serious, he did that last night. Or maybe I will just start being cruel like if StupidO (who is currently bumping uglys with my friend) starts whining about his health I will kindly just start writing his obituary on a napkin… OH and look then I am working on myself to, writing more!

I am really not a people person!

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Filed under Faking It, Judging, Prefection, standards, Uncategorized, who am i

Pet Peeves

OK I am glad I am no longer bored all day long. I am ecstatic that I found an easy part-time job that is VERY flexible. I love that it has little to no stress. The one thing that is driving me nuts is how stupid the people I work with are. We are not talking ditsy or lack of common sense, STUPID AS ROCKS (sorry rocks). We are talking they probably worship Forest Gump for his genius. NO, I AM NOT KIDDING. The funny part is I always assumed people group with their own kind. The pretty with the pretty, the tall with the tall, the sport fanatic with the sports fanatic and now I know the idiots stay with the idiots.

I am not embellishing one bit when I say idiots. The smartest person I work with, the one whom I want to punch in the face the least is a HS teacher (by trade). Two weeks ago she asked me where Washington DC is?! YOU ARE A TEACHER! Shouldn’t you know that?! As I said she is the brightest by leaps and bounds. Maybe as bright as a frog, the ones that play on the road after a storm. Even the person I replaced, who they think was the next coming of God, was an idiot.  Really, she was about as intelligent as a slug, so yes she was smart compared to everyone else, minus the teacher who doesn’t know where the nations capitol is.  Her grammar was atrocious and I am not talking about writing . I know 10 year old who speak more correctly. How do you run an office and not know how to write a letter… OH and on that note WHO CAN NOT FIGURE OUT MILITARY TIME??

I know when it comes to intelligence I pretty high on my own horse but through the years I have learned that I need to accept all forms of intelligence, then laugh at them behind their back. I have even befriended the less intelligent. I found a few years back I was turning into Dr. Sheldon Cooper where I was constantly judging everyone else. Now I just judge those with no intelligence. What that means is I pretty much just judge those who I work with.

It is so bad that even though I am new I wish I was here by myself. There are simple, common sense things that no one does. No, before you start thinking I am judgmental and am out of line, it’s not just a common sense thing… NO ONE KNEW WHERE BRAZIL WAS! These are the type of people who think this is rocket science. I know 5 year olds who could do my job and most of them could out perform everyone else here. No, seriously a trained monkey could do this. Not only is being stupid a pet peeve of mine so is when you think you’re so worse off than everyone else.


OK I am now done venting…. What are your pet peeves?

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Filed under Crap, Prefection, school, Work

Just human….

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
Winston Churchill 

I am human. Just like everyone else I make mistakes. I am not under the assumption that I am perfect nor do I believe that anyone is or should be. Imperfection is part of being alive. Mistakes are what teach us our greatest lessons. I have learned great things in my life because of the mistakes I have made. I learned a long time ago that an apology doesn’t automatically mean forgiveness and to apologize expecting forgiveness is just an empty apology with an ulterior motive. Just as every other human on the face of this earth I have complex emotions which are my right as a human being. It’s what distinguishes me from the rest of the mammals, other wise I am just a bottle nose dolphin with out the breath holding capabilities.

After the debacle of accidentally publishing something I took a few days to take a long hard look at who I really am. How do I really treat my friends? Would I accept someone like me in my life?

I have many flaws to which I am not blind. I have a hell of a temper. I spend a lot of my time just keeping my mouth shut, which is usually for the better. Better to think before you speak than regret what is said. I don’t know when sarcasm is acceptable and when to just be polite. I have a disturbing sense of humor. I have had to make hard moral choices and not always was the best choice made.  I have opened my mouth when it should have stayed shut and vise versa but at the end of the day can I stand to look myself in the mirror?

Yes, I can. My friends, those who stand by me and are honestly and openly there with no ill words or judgments, know that my doors are always open. I will bend over backwards for them. I will pick them up at the drop of a dime. Listen to them when they are in the worst state of being. I will confront a person on their behalf and defend them while their back is turned. I will treat their children as my own. I will give them my opinion when it is asked of me and support them in all endeavors.  The guys I have dated? 90% of them hold me in high respect and still consider me a friend. They can talk to me openly and honestly about everything in their life without me bringing our past into it. When it comes to my work ethic? I am always going over and above. I don’t take pens or paper, even those handy notebooks. I am there on time and leave when I am scheduled to, not a minute sooner. I usually take work home with me or go in when I am suppose to be off. My bills are paid on time. I am debit free. I buy my rounds when the time comes. All and all I am not afraid of what St. Peter will say when I arrive at the pearly gates. Yes, like most of us there will be a folder involved with some questionable actions. I have done something’s in spite. I have let anger get the best of me at times but nothing to condemn me to hell.

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Filed under Judging, Prefection, who am i

>Even Lifetime gave up…

>Lifetime movies are suppose to be the movies that inspire us to have happily ever after. Right now I am watching one called “Unanswered Prayers”. I know the whole song by Garth Brooks and when I sat down to watch it I was hoping for what I picture when I listen to that song. I watch this horribly written and poorly acted movies to have hope. A love that conquered all. One that beat that lost High School love and proved you can love better and more. One that chronicles a life of happiness and devotions and makes the past a mere blur. I just figured out that Lifetime has given up all hope for a perfect love. 

This movie chronicles a man who is married and his High School sweetheart comes back home after close to 20 years. Instead of not knowing her anymore he lies to his wife (or as men put it “not disclosing” everything) and meets her out for drinks, pool and then goes to her house for dinner and a night of swimming in a quarry and kissed his ex. He got caught. He cheated and lied. He, of course chooses his wife and in a sentimental attempt the other women shows up and tells her that her husband loves her, as in his wife. HE CHEATED HE LIED!! Lifetime can not except love and devotion!

What I think…No shit he loves his wife. Lies are lies. That is trust that is built up after years and he just blew a hole in it. Should a marriage end because of this, no. Does this happen in real life, yes. What happened to movies where it is perfect, where the skank from the past is forgotten and the loving wife and mother prevail? We know what difficulties every day relationships have. Real relationships that new mothers require sleep. Women begin to sag after ten years. Marriages that both parents have to work a mundane job with poor pay just to support one child and a two bedroom home. Why are love stories becoming so real? What happened to Cinderella?

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Filed under Hope, lifetime movies, Love, Prefection