Category Archives: Uncategorized

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…



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Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

Working Out 101…. ARGH

OK so it is the new year and we all know what that means, everybody wants to look like they belong on the bachelor and bachelorette. which means the gym are over crowded with the people who are just going to quit in a month (or less). I am all for people sticking with it and bettering their lives and health but you know what they say “hope in one hand shit in another see what fills first”. There are some who stick with it and that is awesome. I have worked in the fitness field for over 15 years and I know MANY success stories. Not as many as failures but I do see many people succeed. I think this is the right time to go over a few things, like how to behave in a gym. Some would call then rules I would like to think of them as gym etiquette. I know some people who can’t follow these and have been doing it for years. Those people are usually the ones that when you seen them people ignore them. Let get started…

1. Jumping in, work in, get in on that… all of those are phrases you should know and use. Those are terms for using the same equipment as you. If you need to use what someone is parked on just use your big kid voice and speak up.

2. No parking! Do not wait on equipment between sets. Someone else wants to use it and even if they don’t, pretend they do. It is good to act as if they do. You should get up and move around, its better for calorie burn and for your muscle tone, consider that free advice!

3. On that note… BEWARE of circuit training. Mind it, know it and know who does it. If you fuck up their sets they will get VERY pissy. Just ask if you can get in (see you know that  now)  they will tell you where they are in their sets. When you circuit train  it is very schedule oriented. You have set times and a set path. DON’T FUCK WITH IT!!!! Someone doing this is what inspired this post!

3. Don’t talk about food. It’s rude. Most people around you are hungry so talking about food is WRONG. Also, you are open yourself up to unsolicited advice. Trust me gym people all feel like they know all. Just go and peruse the other fitness blogs. No one knows all.

4. If you don’t know how to use something, ask. Don’t look like an ass. Ask someone who is being social who does not have earbuds in. They will be happy to help, as I said they probably think they know all anyways!

5. If you are a girl you are going to get stared at, get over yourself.

6. If you are a newbie avoid free weight rooms between 7-9. This is the hardcore time. I have been doing this a long time and I am just coming back from a lifting hiatus and I won’t lift then. You will get in the way and feel awkward leading to quitting so just stay where you belong.


If you have any questions on how to act or lingo please comment away…

If you have something to sound off on feel free….


Most importantly just don’t be a gym stat change your life find your goal, your healthy path and stay on it. Don’t be me and fall off!!! Lift on mother fuckers!!!!


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Filed under Hope, Uncategorized, weight lifting

I hate… tomatoes

Since today is Monday I think it is only fair that I review 10 things I generally hate. Some will be mildly offensive (which is a huge jump for me) and others will be funny but yet a window into my soul…

1. The sound/feeling of cotton cutting. If you think this is nuts then you have no clue what I am talking about. It hurts my teeth. I get the same sensation when yarn is being tied. Since I am not a seamstress I don’t have that happen much, nor am I crafty. I can’t explain it other than I avoid it like I avoid AIDS.

2. Hangovers!! I know everyone hates them but I actually hate them not because of the pain and the constant banging. I don’t hate them because I lose a day to nothingness, and usually this is a day I wanted to be productive. I don’t hate them because it make me fight with my best friend, beer. I hate them because it shows my age. I remember not so long ago when I use to laugh at those who had this foreign sickness. Now, I am that person! It is like with every month I age my hangovers last an extra hour. Before you know it a few drinks with the girls will end up being three days of sickness!

3. Entitlement. I think everyone should earn their own way. If you can’t because of a handicap then fine, your community can help you but if you are not working because you can’t find your dream hours/pay/JOB then GROW THE FUCK UP! It is called being a productive member of society. My opinion is if you want money from the government or as I like to call it “my hard earned money”  then you should be required to take a job working for the man themselves. There are plenty of employment opportunities in the military. What about working for the community food bank, ASPCA or cleaning the parks?? How about working cleaning the local jail, police cars, fire trucks or park bathrooms??? I once ran my own department and I can’t tell you how many people wouldn’t even come in for an interview because they were making more on unemployment… BLAH.

4. Chapstick/ grease stains. I mean seriously who knows how to get that crap out?? I know how to do it if I happen to notice it before I wash and dry it! It just appears out of nowhere! You know we have pretty awesome science but we can’t make a chapstick tube water proof or heat proof!! I know I am not alone on this crap. Lets not even start on how to keep your shirt sleeves clean while cooking….  unless you want to cook like my mom, dry and dull

5. Cell phones. I mean seriously 10 years ago I was functioning fine without a calendar, text messages, facebook and candy crush in my pocket and now I can’t even poop alone! Its not like I am a cell phone addict either I am pretty normal with mine. I am not always on it, I maybe get 1 call a day and 50 texts. I rarely use it as a phone but now for audible books and reading I use it 29/7. I guess that would be expected for someone who started using a purse so I could always have a book on me. Sometimes it scares me how we are all attached to technology. I keep saying I am going to turn off for one day a weekend and I think as I write this and I think of how my phone is nagging me to check it for a text message I didn’t get I really do need to stop this one sided relationship.

6. 24 hour news. As anyone (not like anyone really reads this, I appreciate the one person who keeps reading it) who knows me or has read back I am pretty conservative. All because of fiscal reasons. I don’t give a rats ass who anyone weds and I am extremely pro conservation I just have an issue with anyone telling me the best way to live my life of I have to support people who are unwilling to work. If you told me all my money was going to animal shelters I was be all like “Here take 50% of my pay”. Also, you should probably know I am not a HUGE fan of people. I love my furry friends. Anyways! I think one of the downfalls of American moral is 24 hour news. Let not mention how we have NO non biased news source. I want to scream at my mother because she spends all day watching the news and she is so segregated to the real world and what is going on.  She legitimately thinks this world is ending soon! I just think if you watch too much you start to lose the ability to form your own opinions. She use to read the paper, I wish her and this country would get back to that. All this technology and yet we still let other people think for us. Shame!

7.  Tomatoes! Why is that fruit on EVERYTHING!! Man you can’t even get a salad anymore without them!! They are so gross in their rare form. YUCK… They are slimy and they make you smell if you touch them. The cherry one burrow to the bottom of your salad so you can’t find it till you stabbed it and now you have tomato gew all over your salad. OH and you better read the whole description of your sandwich to know for certain that the slimy prick wont be on it… STOP IT WITH THE TOMATOES

8. Fucking drivers… Ok where I live it is winter and I am convinced that no one lived her last year or the previous 15000 years to know that snow is slick and moist. No one here can drive. If the road is clear then you can drive the speed limit and contrary to belief if it is covered and icy you can NOT drive 20 over. Nope, even if you have a monster truck with 4 wheel drve. What about if it is overcast and dark midday… naw you don’t need your headlights on… It’s cool I really wanted to sideswipe your ass! I mean seriously they let us drive at 16 years old in the country you would think that means we SHOULD have the ability to dive correctly. I am not saying I am a great driver, I am female. At least I am not an idiot!

9. 2 day weekends. It is like a cruel trick. Like here have some time off… No, I take that back come back to work. People hate Mondays because they come too quickly. I really think we all need all Wednesdays off. No more work on hump day!

10. Katy Perry. I am sure she is a swell human being but I really can’t stand her music. No matter what song that woman comes out with I cannot get the catchy non riffs out of my head! I have lost many of days to humming her crappy subpar music. I know this one is  not very kind but seriously I just wish she would have been a one hit wonder hell at this point I just want her to take a few months off. Can she just not put a song out for 6 months?? Maybe even put one out that isn’t on constantly.

Happy Monday all… time for Tuesday

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Filed under fun, Hangovers, Judging, life, Politics, Uncategorized, who am i

Why bitch?

As I try to keep bettering myself I am left wondering why so many people bitch about what’s wrong and never try to change?  I am just so sick of hearing what wrong and never hear people say how they are going to fix it and the steps they are going to take to do so!

Time for a true story. A couple of weeks ago I was at Name that Tune (don’t judge me I am lame and I like it that way!) and a person in our party (I wouldn’t even call him a friend if I was drunk) was complaining about his health. Well, he has Crohn’s and he had part of his bowls resected a few months ago. I told him I know someone who can help and gave him his card. Me and this chap (lets call him StupidO) have had many conversation about how he need to change his diet and he is either the DUMBEST person on earth or need to sue his doctor because he said no one has ever talked to him about his diet BUT he was given a diet to follow. I know is that hard to follow because I was in the conversation and wanted to hang myself just to get out of it. Well, anyways I gave him a number of someone who can help him. Yesterday he was bragging on Social Media he just ate 24 boneless wings! WTF never talk to me again on how you are always feeling ill!

My wonderful other-half does it on his weight all the time, shut up and do something.

I really want people to start taking ownership and fixing what is broken. Let me tell you it isn’t easy but at the end of the day you feel much better bettering yourself rather than bitching about what you have problems with. I think I am going to institute a new rule, I am only going to acknowledge you when you are complaining about something you are working on. Like when MM (name I am giving my otherhalf) bitches about his weight I will only engage him if he is actually doing something about it and I don’t think sneaking up at midnight for a peanut butter sandwich counts as productively working toward weight loss. I am serious, he did that last night. Or maybe I will just start being cruel like if StupidO (who is currently bumping uglys with my friend) starts whining about his health I will kindly just start writing his obituary on a napkin… OH and look then I am working on myself to, writing more!

I am really not a people person!

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Filed under Faking It, Judging, Prefection, standards, Uncategorized, who am i

Props to my home-boy/entity…God

My life has been on an upswing for the time being. I am not naïve and I know that this is not a how it is always going to be. Life is full of ups and downs, I know because I have had my fill of both. There is one entity I do have to give massive props to and I never forget my faith or love for him and his son. This one goes out to my father and my brother from another mother, Jesus. This post is for you God and your son. I am not a religious person by any means, but I do consider myself very spiritual. During Lent I am always made very aware of my commitment to God and his son. I respect anyone who has faith, even if it is not mine. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or anyone who has faith in a greater being, in my mind we are all in one boat. The only people I do question are the Atheists. I don’t understand their lack of faith and I don’t think I ever will. There have been many times in my life that the only person I could turn to was God, I feel if I didn’t have my faith I would be so alone and that scares me. I firmly believe in evolution and I firmly believe in God. See you can have it both ways.

I wanted to give God a shout out today because it is lent and tomorrow is a very somber day for anyone believing that Jesus was a great man. For all you ignorant people that is Islam, Judaism and to us Christians (obviously). He is OUR savior, in Islam he is the messiah and as for the Jews he was a great Jew so no matter what, Good Friday is still a somber day. We thank our soldiers for our freedoms on the 4th of July, Veteran’s day and Memorial Day. We give thanks for everything on Thanksgiving. We celebrate the coming of our lord on Christmas. We have to remember on Friday we mourn his death and on Sunday we need to be thankful of our souls.


Thank you God for all you have done. Thank you for my life, my love, my family, my friends and for my soul. Thank you for giving me life daily. Thank you for the hard lessons I have had to learn and thank you for the joy I have daily, the joys of watching Jack and Largo. The great children I have in my life that my friends have been blessed with. Oh and thank you loads for chicken wings, beer and football, MAJOR props on the last things, you did good homeboy!

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Its awesome being me

Everything in my life is changing and for once I have to say I love it. I have a new dude (whom I’m still not sure on), I have a new job and I have a whole new outlook on life. I feel refreshed.

Last week I started a new job which isn’t anything to write home about except they let me still work at my other job. See I walk a well to do dog and I LOVE it. I thought I loved the Y but what I loved was I knew everything about my job, I never was gun-hoe about what I was doing. Then again if your whole staff was under paid teenagers in charge of peoples lives you wouldn’t love it either. Walking Largo (the dog) is just part of it. First off he is an AWESOME dog, I have a dog so calling another dog awesome is hard to do. My mother even thinks he is a cool dog and she is in LOVE with her grandpuppy. I also take care of their Koi pond and their house when they aren’t home. I am not impressed with people who have money, 9 times out of 10 they work and sacrifice way to much for the monetary benefits.  This family is different. The mom is wonderful and like a second mother to me. The kids are fun and my age. The dad is a very hard worker and has missed out but knows now that it is time to make up for it all. Their house isn’t like a museum like most rich people. Don’t get me wrong it is awesome and huge but it is cozy and lived in. They have a second home in Key Largo (get the dogs name) which is very nice but the same as the one here, you aren’t afraid to walk around barefoot and open the refrigerator and stare in it hoping food appears. Their home here I can run around with Largo and play rough just as I can in Key Largo. The whole situation they have set up for me is FANTASTIC and when I had to look for a new job I dreaded I would have to forfeit them as my part time gig. The place I got hired at doesn’t want to conflict with my part time dog walking/house sitting gig! HOW FRICKEN AWESOME!

I only  have one small issue with my new job and that is how they feel what they do is SOOOO hard. They were worried I couldn’t multi task. I actually feel bad for the girl I am replacing because what they do isn’t that hard and she may have a very tough time elsewhere. They get all panic stricken when things don’t go perfect… clearly no one there has worked with kids. You figure it out and move on.

The boy, well so far so GREAT! I don’t like being this happy with someone because when you lie in bed at night you are always wondering when the shoe will drop. The one thing I can say is I now know what was missing from my life. True happiness. I never wanted to change anyone before so I ended up changing myself and giving on things I usually wouldn’t. Since we have known each other for awhile we already kind of knew and the fact we have tried talking before help us know each other a little better. We both have talked about how we knew we have always been attracted to each other but wish we knew how much chemistry we had.

I want to usually talk about food on Tuesdays but I am going out to dinner tonight with an old friend so if the food is great I’ll let you know!

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Hiho Hiho back to the gym I go!

For the one or two people who read this who actually know me you may actually understand this post to any other lost soul who comes across this it may just seem like rambling. I started back at the gym this week. I am not out of shape for the general population but for me I am a bum. Since I stopped working at the Y I haven’t been back into a gym. I have been walking about 5-9 miles a day with Largo plus I have been somewhat keeping up with the Wi fit. On Monday I walked into the YMCA and started back on the road to fitness and let me tell you how much this sucks!

My legs are on fire and I only could do 20lbs on tricep extensions, lets not even get into how much I shoulder press or curl. After I was done I almost cried. When I left the Y I was skull crushing 65lbs, preacher curling 40 and squatting 200lbs. When I left the Y I was a force to be reckoned with and now I am just slightly above average and my weight is just normal. My BMI is average and so is my weight but I am not in the shape I am usually in.

SIGH… Its GYM TIME, where is Beth?

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