Category Archives: who am i

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…



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Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

I hate… tomatoes

Since today is Monday I think it is only fair that I review 10 things I generally hate. Some will be mildly offensive (which is a huge jump for me) and others will be funny but yet a window into my soul…

1. The sound/feeling of cotton cutting. If you think this is nuts then you have no clue what I am talking about. It hurts my teeth. I get the same sensation when yarn is being tied. Since I am not a seamstress I don’t have that happen much, nor am I crafty. I can’t explain it other than I avoid it like I avoid AIDS.

2. Hangovers!! I know everyone hates them but I actually hate them not because of the pain and the constant banging. I don’t hate them because I lose a day to nothingness, and usually this is a day I wanted to be productive. I don’t hate them because it make me fight with my best friend, beer. I hate them because it shows my age. I remember not so long ago when I use to laugh at those who had this foreign sickness. Now, I am that person! It is like with every month I age my hangovers last an extra hour. Before you know it a few drinks with the girls will end up being three days of sickness!

3. Entitlement. I think everyone should earn their own way. If you can’t because of a handicap then fine, your community can help you but if you are not working because you can’t find your dream hours/pay/JOB then GROW THE FUCK UP! It is called being a productive member of society. My opinion is if you want money from the government or as I like to call it “my hard earned money”  then you should be required to take a job working for the man themselves. There are plenty of employment opportunities in the military. What about working for the community food bank, ASPCA or cleaning the parks?? How about working cleaning the local jail, police cars, fire trucks or park bathrooms??? I once ran my own department and I can’t tell you how many people wouldn’t even come in for an interview because they were making more on unemployment… BLAH.

4. Chapstick/ grease stains. I mean seriously who knows how to get that crap out?? I know how to do it if I happen to notice it before I wash and dry it! It just appears out of nowhere! You know we have pretty awesome science but we can’t make a chapstick tube water proof or heat proof!! I know I am not alone on this crap. Lets not even start on how to keep your shirt sleeves clean while cooking….  unless you want to cook like my mom, dry and dull

5. Cell phones. I mean seriously 10 years ago I was functioning fine without a calendar, text messages, facebook and candy crush in my pocket and now I can’t even poop alone! Its not like I am a cell phone addict either I am pretty normal with mine. I am not always on it, I maybe get 1 call a day and 50 texts. I rarely use it as a phone but now for audible books and reading I use it 29/7. I guess that would be expected for someone who started using a purse so I could always have a book on me. Sometimes it scares me how we are all attached to technology. I keep saying I am going to turn off for one day a weekend and I think as I write this and I think of how my phone is nagging me to check it for a text message I didn’t get I really do need to stop this one sided relationship.

6. 24 hour news. As anyone (not like anyone really reads this, I appreciate the one person who keeps reading it) who knows me or has read back I am pretty conservative. All because of fiscal reasons. I don’t give a rats ass who anyone weds and I am extremely pro conservation I just have an issue with anyone telling me the best way to live my life of I have to support people who are unwilling to work. If you told me all my money was going to animal shelters I was be all like “Here take 50% of my pay”. Also, you should probably know I am not a HUGE fan of people. I love my furry friends. Anyways! I think one of the downfalls of American moral is 24 hour news. Let not mention how we have NO non biased news source. I want to scream at my mother because she spends all day watching the news and she is so segregated to the real world and what is going on.  She legitimately thinks this world is ending soon! I just think if you watch too much you start to lose the ability to form your own opinions. She use to read the paper, I wish her and this country would get back to that. All this technology and yet we still let other people think for us. Shame!

7.  Tomatoes! Why is that fruit on EVERYTHING!! Man you can’t even get a salad anymore without them!! They are so gross in their rare form. YUCK… They are slimy and they make you smell if you touch them. The cherry one burrow to the bottom of your salad so you can’t find it till you stabbed it and now you have tomato gew all over your salad. OH and you better read the whole description of your sandwich to know for certain that the slimy prick wont be on it… STOP IT WITH THE TOMATOES

8. Fucking drivers… Ok where I live it is winter and I am convinced that no one lived her last year or the previous 15000 years to know that snow is slick and moist. No one here can drive. If the road is clear then you can drive the speed limit and contrary to belief if it is covered and icy you can NOT drive 20 over. Nope, even if you have a monster truck with 4 wheel drve. What about if it is overcast and dark midday… naw you don’t need your headlights on… It’s cool I really wanted to sideswipe your ass! I mean seriously they let us drive at 16 years old in the country you would think that means we SHOULD have the ability to dive correctly. I am not saying I am a great driver, I am female. At least I am not an idiot!

9. 2 day weekends. It is like a cruel trick. Like here have some time off… No, I take that back come back to work. People hate Mondays because they come too quickly. I really think we all need all Wednesdays off. No more work on hump day!

10. Katy Perry. I am sure she is a swell human being but I really can’t stand her music. No matter what song that woman comes out with I cannot get the catchy non riffs out of my head! I have lost many of days to humming her crappy subpar music. I know this one is  not very kind but seriously I just wish she would have been a one hit wonder hell at this point I just want her to take a few months off. Can she just not put a song out for 6 months?? Maybe even put one out that isn’t on constantly.

Happy Monday all… time for Tuesday

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Filed under fun, Hangovers, Judging, life, Politics, Uncategorized, who am i

Why bitch?

As I try to keep bettering myself I am left wondering why so many people bitch about what’s wrong and never try to change?  I am just so sick of hearing what wrong and never hear people say how they are going to fix it and the steps they are going to take to do so!

Time for a true story. A couple of weeks ago I was at Name that Tune (don’t judge me I am lame and I like it that way!) and a person in our party (I wouldn’t even call him a friend if I was drunk) was complaining about his health. Well, he has Crohn’s and he had part of his bowls resected a few months ago. I told him I know someone who can help and gave him his card. Me and this chap (lets call him StupidO) have had many conversation about how he need to change his diet and he is either the DUMBEST person on earth or need to sue his doctor because he said no one has ever talked to him about his diet BUT he was given a diet to follow. I know is that hard to follow because I was in the conversation and wanted to hang myself just to get out of it. Well, anyways I gave him a number of someone who can help him. Yesterday he was bragging on Social Media he just ate 24 boneless wings! WTF never talk to me again on how you are always feeling ill!

My wonderful other-half does it on his weight all the time, shut up and do something.

I really want people to start taking ownership and fixing what is broken. Let me tell you it isn’t easy but at the end of the day you feel much better bettering yourself rather than bitching about what you have problems with. I think I am going to institute a new rule, I am only going to acknowledge you when you are complaining about something you are working on. Like when MM (name I am giving my otherhalf) bitches about his weight I will only engage him if he is actually doing something about it and I don’t think sneaking up at midnight for a peanut butter sandwich counts as productively working toward weight loss. I am serious, he did that last night. Or maybe I will just start being cruel like if StupidO (who is currently bumping uglys with my friend) starts whining about his health I will kindly just start writing his obituary on a napkin… OH and look then I am working on myself to, writing more!

I am really not a people person!

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Filed under Faking It, Judging, Prefection, standards, Uncategorized, who am i

Hello NEW and IMPROVED life!

Happy Friday everyone!!!

There is a lot going on this weekend and guess what its not all on my DVR! Do you know what that means? I have a life again! Not only am I seeing someone who I don’t have to take everywhere with me but I have made a effort to be a better friend (See you the 19th missy, btw I can’t figure this skype thing out).

For  the first time in a year and a half I am back and better than ever. I wish it didn’t take a loser to make me realize what was wrong but I am kinda glad he did. Now I have been working on a few books for awhile now but I have been so against myself I have not had the drive to do anything with them so back to them I shall go. I am not good at writing and the only way to get better is to practice so I have started practicing again. What you haven’t seen me practicing the last few days? Well, I try to keep my dating struggles off this blog and it has failed sometime so if you care check out my other one A new road. My goal is to write one post a day minus weekends and when I feel confidant I will return to my books.

Not that anyone care what my weekend plans are but since I am female I will tell you anyways. I have happy hour at Moo’s house tonight (I love when my friends come up with nicknames for them selves so much easier) and Sorach has her wedding in a few months which I am going to it alone to avoid unnecessary drama (will explain on my other blog at another time) and we are doing invites tomorrow. I am going to try to have a day date with boy who will remain nameless (bwwrn from now until he earns his nickname) on Sunday. I am also going to hit the gym at least twice the next three days. I have a fricken life and great friends!

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Filed under Dating, Friends, life, who am i

Just human….

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
Winston Churchill 

I am human. Just like everyone else I make mistakes. I am not under the assumption that I am perfect nor do I believe that anyone is or should be. Imperfection is part of being alive. Mistakes are what teach us our greatest lessons. I have learned great things in my life because of the mistakes I have made. I learned a long time ago that an apology doesn’t automatically mean forgiveness and to apologize expecting forgiveness is just an empty apology with an ulterior motive. Just as every other human on the face of this earth I have complex emotions which are my right as a human being. It’s what distinguishes me from the rest of the mammals, other wise I am just a bottle nose dolphin with out the breath holding capabilities.

After the debacle of accidentally publishing something I took a few days to take a long hard look at who I really am. How do I really treat my friends? Would I accept someone like me in my life?

I have many flaws to which I am not blind. I have a hell of a temper. I spend a lot of my time just keeping my mouth shut, which is usually for the better. Better to think before you speak than regret what is said. I don’t know when sarcasm is acceptable and when to just be polite. I have a disturbing sense of humor. I have had to make hard moral choices and not always was the best choice made.  I have opened my mouth when it should have stayed shut and vise versa but at the end of the day can I stand to look myself in the mirror?

Yes, I can. My friends, those who stand by me and are honestly and openly there with no ill words or judgments, know that my doors are always open. I will bend over backwards for them. I will pick them up at the drop of a dime. Listen to them when they are in the worst state of being. I will confront a person on their behalf and defend them while their back is turned. I will treat their children as my own. I will give them my opinion when it is asked of me and support them in all endeavors.  The guys I have dated? 90% of them hold me in high respect and still consider me a friend. They can talk to me openly and honestly about everything in their life without me bringing our past into it. When it comes to my work ethic? I am always going over and above. I don’t take pens or paper, even those handy notebooks. I am there on time and leave when I am scheduled to, not a minute sooner. I usually take work home with me or go in when I am suppose to be off. My bills are paid on time. I am debit free. I buy my rounds when the time comes. All and all I am not afraid of what St. Peter will say when I arrive at the pearly gates. Yes, like most of us there will be a folder involved with some questionable actions. I have done something’s in spite. I have let anger get the best of me at times but nothing to condemn me to hell.

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Filed under Judging, Prefection, who am i


I have always wondered what it was like to be a cool kid. What it was to be the pretty one. How it felt to have the boys want to jump me. How great it would be to run around in my bikini!


After years of watching the “cool, pretty” people the one thing I can say is at least I know who I am.  At least my friend will stand by me and not just follow me around like drones.  I never have to question do I look fat? Even if I did no one would care because I just blend in. I never have to wonder if my makeup is on right, because on the freak chance I am wearing makeup no one can tell I am wearing it. I never have to wonder how hot I look because I never look hot. I blend!

At first that sounds horrific! Who wants to blend in with everyone else? Look at it this way…

When the pretty girl trips in a bar everyone notices. I trip only my friends notice.When I don’t feel like getting ready no one cares, no one has a preconceived notion on how I should appear in public. I get to be an ass to whom ever I deem fit to be an ass hole to. Pretty people feel they have to be liked. I know I can be a huge bitch. I don’t have to impress my friends with guys whose status is not only that of a pedigree but also drop dead gorgeous. It is perfectly acceptable for me to bring around a man from the military or a boy who works on the farm, a man who works hard labor or a business man.  They can even be an ass and it is no big surprise.  Really, socially it is far better to be the one who blends then the one trying to be better than everyone else.

I plan on letting the pretty stay pretty and I will just make them laugh and everyone else around me. I will continue to be the bad ass that just looks like everyone else.  For the bikini… maybe next year!

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Filed under being wrong, Dating, Friends, fun, habits, Judging, who am i

Why he wears a cowboy hat

He has four wheel drive not because it looks cute with his life style but because it is his lifestyle. He uses it to get through the weather when you can’t possible go to work. He needs it to haul his work load. He uses it to haul his fun time away from work. It is his pleasure to aid you in your weekend yard work or haul your play toys when he can but his four wheel drive works as hard he does all week long but he thanks you for noticing how well maintained it is. After all he will own this ‘vehicle’ until your unborn child graduates from high school.

He wears a cowboy hat to guard his neck and face from the sun. Twelve hours outside in the sun is an awful long time and leather only looks good on belts and shoes. He needs his skin for more than cosmetic reasons. He needs his health to maintain his family and house hold so he protects his skin when he can with that cowboy hat you use for show.

Those flannel shirts that keep going in and out of style he wears to protect him self from the elements. He is glad they look stellar on your hard worked bod but he needs them when bailing hay and shoveling shit. Field work shoots a lot at you and it is nice to have a shirt on your back light enough to wear without restraint but tough enough to take what is thrown at it. It keeps him warm on a breezy night or overcastted morning while you lay asleep. He never cares about the color only that it does its job as he does his.

His shirts are ripped because of the manual labor he works at daily. He never would rip a shirt to show the type of man he is. He doesn’t waste but are glad you can. His rips because they are old and worked hard. He wears what is comfortable not what is cool though he is glad you look to what he has help build for what is trendy now. Hard work is noble but then again he has known that since he was young. When sleeves come off it is because they restrain him not because his biceps look better without them. Looking at you he is glad you can afford the 20 dollar tee shirt to just dismantle it.

Those jeans you wear as dress pants he is glad he has his own pair. The nice ones without holes he wears out. To buy a pair with holes is out of the questions. He knows how the holes get in his jeans. Holes are a product of hard work. They are nothing to brag about but something all men should have. His jeans are faded from the sun and the pockets are ripped because a towel usually hangs in the back to keep the sweat from his eyes. Unlike you his wallet stays in his truck because there is no vending machine at his job. Everyday is jeans day because any other fabric is unsafe. Shorts and flip flops are only an accident waiting to happen from a city friend coming to visit never a clothing option.

His classic outfit is finished with those horrible boots; those boots that end up saving him every day. Doesn’t matter the maker all that matters is are they steel toed and are they warm in the winter. He is on his feet 12 hours a day and comes across things that most would never dream of. They are worn till he is forced to buy a new pair. They become comfortable and well worn like an old pair of running shoes. He probably can out run you in his boots. They are his best wing man when push comes to shove. He has worked well with them and they saved him much pain in the year(s) they spend together.

At the end of the day he can throw down with the best of them. His days are long and weekends longer. His idea of fun is not what you feel is fun. Sitting back with a cold one is all he needs. He chooses to hang out with his friends and that is quite enough. Ideally him and his friends will just sit around a fire or small bar and laugh. Sometime he heads out toward the rest of civilization where he has little place. He sees the world differently and can not understand why there is so much hype about so little to do. Why a beer costs so much or why a person has no idea who they really are. He knows who he is and what he does. He knows what he likes and what he doesn’t and more importantly he knows he still has things to do tomorrow, hangover or not. Really, his kind is why there are tailgates and why they are so comfortable.

After the long night out and the longer week of working he has his family. He remembers why there is family. If he is a world away from his family he misses them more than words can say. He watches his nieces and nephews grow, even if from a distances. He loves his siblings, no matter how much they still bicker. If he is married he wakes up to his wife and children, no matter how bad he wants to sleep just 15 minutes longer. He hasn’t seen them much all week and weekend is family time. The work he does all week long doesn’t define him but the time he puts in during his off time with his family and friends defines him as the man he truly is.

He is the man who is or was fighting for your right to speak your mind. He fights/fought for you to tell the world that he deserves to die because he picked his battalion over one civilian armed with a gun to HIS face. He fights/fought for your right to vote for whom ever YOU feel is the best man/woman for the job. He fights/fought for your right to your freedoms. He fight/fought for your right to voice your opinion on health care when he is still battling with PTSD or any other injury and can’t see someone at the VA because you don’t care enough about his rights or his entitlements that he truly fought for. He is the man who stands up for this country not because he should but because he wants to. This is his country and all he wants is his fair shake at life and he will fight for it as much on home soil as he would over seas.

Tonight I was out with friends and witnessed what the crowd turned into after the Kenny Chesney concert and I have to say I was shocked. Ten years ago I wore my boots to a bar with a baseball cap and was mocked relentlessly. I came from a long day in the sun but no one cared because I was not what was cool. Country has become the new trend. I can not express my happiness that people listen to songs about hard work, heartbreak and beer but I don’t like the fact that they now are ‘mocking’ the lifestyle. I know that I sound pretentious. I feel like I am one of those indie kids who shake their heads and say “They will never get the music”. I don’t give a damn if they ‘get’ the music. Give the good ole boys money. I am in. I will say; the good ole boys I know (even the most chauvinistic ones) would have had something to say about how these boys acted. They were grabbing women and being belligerent. It was disturbing on all levels. On top of which they all claimed to be ‘country’. Excuse me buddy you are in suburbia you are about as country as that Chihuahua’s shit is lying over on the tree lawn. Just for your information a country boy thinks the concept of a tree lawn is bull.

Those men from the country are real men where most will be boys at best. In ten years you will look back on this ‘fad’ you bought into and laugh at what you once thought was cool. I will still be proud to be country. I will be country after it was cool!

I am proud of the men who work hard in the fields of this great country. More than that I am proud of my friends and anyone who fight for the flag and the constitution it represents. Please stop mocking them because they are not a mere fad but they are the fabric in which this country was built.

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Filed under Hope, Judging, life, Politics, who am i