Jeff Dunham does a whole bit on how gay Prius is, and he drives one. Jeff Dunham… gay go ahead and watch, I’ll be here when you are done. OK welcome back. What I want to point out is there are many gay cars out there and yes I mean gay. I love gay men, I think they are wonderful but usually they are feminine or limp wristted, how ever you cook your tatter tot is up to you. There are many cars that are quite feminine and that’s OK if its your deal. If you are a man and like women and have any of these following cars you better start lifting weights and doing anything else considered masculine because your car screams “I like my tatter tots covered in fudge”.
Lets start with the Prius since it is over covered in “what car will cock block you” topics.
I know I went for the most feminine color but if you own a Prius I hate to tell you that this is what the world perceives your car to look like. About ten years ago (or longer) owning a Prius made you cool and Eco friendly but now a lot of cars are hybrid and most of them look far better than the Prius. Hell, if you can afford it you can even buy an SUV. I understand the gas mileage and how dang trendy they are but it is only trendy because you don’t realize your friends are laughing behind your back and they really don’t care about the great mileage because the other 50 hybrids in the parking lot boast the same features and hell the kid with the lowered Honda Civic (who is probably a tool) has great gas mileage too! No way around it your car sucks and looks like an over priced tampon.
Bad trend... do not buy in!
New trend alert the Smart Car not only does this one have ubber homosexual tendencies but it is by far the one I loathe most. If you are a man you should at least be able to cop-a-feel in your car and unless you are a little orange man from Loompaland or Danny DeVitto this task is impossible. Plus, this stupid car and its horrific drivers seem to think it can out run any other car on the freeway. I will run your tiny ass over as a hummer would AND I only drive a Jeep. The newest types of golf carts are larger than this mini hot wheel and a three year old riding a big wheel has more horse power. All this car will say about you is “I like getting rammed in the ass end” NOT because you like fudge tatter tots but because we can’t see you when we pull into a parking spot until it’s too late and we are already pulling our insurance card and finding a scrap piece of paper you leave our information on it with the number with for a local cab company because you car is now useless!
This one pains me to admit is on the list because it has by far the best commercials. Who doesn’t love dancing hamsters?
The problem with the Kia Soul is 1. it looks like a mini toaster oven. 2. it comes in ridiculous colors 3. it does not come with the thugish hamsters. Its a Kia and they are cheap cars though they are probably great for the cost but they try to make them seem trendy and cool. We all know they are cheap and you can tell because the whole buy one get one free. Here in Cleveland they even will be free if the Browns close out the Steelers. I hate to tell you but they are not cool and the colors will match any trendy pair of shoes or Ed Hardy shits. All you need to drive one of these is a boy friend and have beaddazzeled jeans. Sorry Hamsters but you can’t even fix this problem but please continue to bust a move for it!
The Ford Fiesta… Party on car! Yea, this one has never and will never been cool though its name sounds like a hip party environment. Once again this comes in obscene colors and none of which are flattering. VOmit looks good on nothing, including a car! This is now a throw back car, I guess the fact that leggins and neon colors are back so must the cars from the eighties. They couldn’t bring back Kit or the DeLorean, we get the fiesta. Nothing scream stuck in time like driving this wonder car. You would save face if you just bought an old one. Driving this means no nut or likes little boys nuts….
Driving an implant
The bug is the car that never seems to go away. If you are a man and drive this and keep telling people “but it has a turbo” GO BUY AN EVO! Evo aren’t un gay but they don’t look like a silicone implant! You don’t see it, look at JWOWW’s boob… its a fricken mini bug! You can not be a man and only be able to fit midgets in the back seat! I am not a big person and I don’t even fit in back. If you are all hippie dippy liberal buy an old VW bus or another beater do not but this. It screams this is my moms car or my boy friend is out grocery shopping!
Now on to the really pricey cars that will have people looking but wondering the team on which you service. First one up…
Pick a bigger car!
This has nothing good to say beside you make good money but any car brand can say that about you unless you come with a dead sexy British accent. Yep, this care is culturest, if you don’t talk like Prince William you better pick a Audi or BMW. It is showy and small. If you are trying to boast about your income pick something else, when women see this we see diamonds and small wieners. The diamonds will only get you so far unless you are open to a cheating woman. If you want a car for your dogsled team to practice pulling as you keep warm buy away just don’t tell the women folk you own one!
So I bet you didn’t think you were going to see a hummer on this list. This is a SUV that screams over compensating for something else. I am going to assume you know what I am thinking. Buy a real SUV. This is the mini of the epitome of what a manly car is which is pointing to the idea that its grandson the H3 is only living in its shadow! If you own this car you may want to start questioning yourself because you didn’t know how sad this machine is.
What are you saying about...
I hate to ruin your night if you happen to drive one of these if you have a penis and like women. At least you know what the snickering behind your back is!