Tag Archives: Friends

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…



Leave a comment

Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

What do you want???

Dear male friend with intentions unknown,

You are the reason why women walk around constantly confused and have no idea how to take things. I would call you a liar but that doesn’t always fit. Some time I think your type is just as confused as females. Usually, I just go with the every man just wants ass but sometimes I can’t help but think you just want more. Well, before I go on my diatribe if you find your self as being one of these men who just isn’t telling someone something about what you want. Grow a set and tell them! Yes, you may get rejected. You may just get a chance. You may find out that you really don’t want anything. I know men do not like talking about things but if you put your intentions out there at least they are known. With that said…

There are two types of unknown intentions.

  1. The just want a piece of ass and don’t want to come off as a dick
  2. You want to be more than friends and don’t want to ruin a friendship

Piece of ass man:

You are the reason women question every man. If you were just upfront with us you would realize most of the time we are very understanding of your sexual needs. We may not be on the same page as you but we would understand. You do not need to go around and mislead us into thinking you actually would like more from us.

Usually the men who just are ass hunting have became very good at lying to our faces. It is lying. No one likes to be called a liar but to manipulate and mislead is a far worse thing that just deceiving. They have become the reason dating is harder now than ever.

No one trusts any one. The females have so many walls up it is just perceived as drama and games. In reality we don’t know who to trust. We do not intend to play games or be difficult but we have been left with no choice. We constantly fear just being used. The best part is we have needs too. Sometime we just want a piece of ass as well or are in the market for a relationship without strings. We learned as children that honesty is the best policy and to do one to others that you would have done to your self. If you don’t want us crazy then don’t lie to us. If you don’t want to deal with drama don’t mislead us.

It is true we are crazy because men made us that way. It’s not the good guys, the average guys or even the ass holes that makes us crazy. It is the guys who lie and deceive us. It is the users, the ones who lead us on and drop us right after we give them the one thing they wanted with out even having the nerve to tell us the truth. The supposed ass holes are only considered ass holes because they actually are truthful. I actually have respect for the ass holes.  The average guy just wants to get by with a happy, easy life and to be surrounded by people and relationships that are easy. The good guys tend to be the ones who really get screwed by the piece of ass man.

Don’t want to ruin anything man:

So you have a girl friend that you are afraid of losing? Are you guys that great of friends that you would be missing out on something?  Is she that big of a bitch that you can’t sit down and have an adult conversation with her? Either way is it really that big of a deal? Why not just say something? Yes, if she doesn’t want anything more it may be awkward the next time you see each other. If things don’t work out you may loss a friend. What if things do work? The best part of dating a friend is you don’t have awkward beginning like most relationships have. The older you get the easier it becomes to date a friend. Plus, it is not inevitable that if things go south that you ruin a friendship. Things only get ruined if there was cheating or you date for a long time and it goes south. A few dates and if things don’t work out it just becomes an inside joke.

If you grow a set maybe she will commend your attempts and it will work in your favor. Maybe she has been wondering if there is something more, too. I mean really what are you afraid of losing? A drinking buddy? If she is a friend she will listen and you won’t lose anything. It is your choice, you probably know her better than the other douche bags at the bar so you already have one up. Go ahead try. Stop thinking so much about it and just do it man!

Leave a comment

Filed under being wrong, Crap, Crushes, Dating, Friends, relationship