Tag Archives: I am who I am

The forgotten one…

I have been plagued my whole life with a horrible ailment. I know that there is people out there who have it far worse than I. I have an eidetic memory. I have the ability to remember most of things around me. When people say they have a photographic memory and wander around as happy little worker bees, I tend to think they have no clue. There are people out there with autobiographical memories. This is where you remember YOUR life, if you only remember your life that is pretty damn subjective. I remember both sides and the situations that were involved. I tend to not get all wrapped up in the emotional thought process and I am pretty sure it is because of my ability to remember both sides and remember similar situations.

I know most people would think this is great. I implore you to take a step back. Forget about all the time forgetting things got you in trouble with your peers. Instead try to think of everything or everyone you forgot. You cannot, whereas I never forgot them. I don’t forget the good when I get mad someone. I don’t forget the peons in high school or the bullies. I remember every failure along with every success. This weighs on me. Most people only remember the good or when they hit rock bottom. I remember the good, bad, ugly and everything in between.

This gets me down when someone mentions the past and they don’t remember it at all. Example one: A friend of mine, who I remember being very close to, barely remembers me at all. She did one of those facebook post “Pick a … that reminds you of me” I named a song (Salt N Peppa, none of ya business, STOP LAUGHING). She associated it with someone who was a mutual friend. This friend came around 2 years after me. Stoles the original friends HS boyfriend and is generally a HORRIBLE person. Yet the original friend, let’s call her Leia, doesn’t even know I was around first. I was pretty much forgotten. To make matters worse Leia actually though crappy friend introduced us.

There was another time not so long ago that I had posted “WTF is with all the snow days?” and my best HS friend (lets call her Macy) posted “I don’t remember having one since junior high”. This may seem small. To me it is HUGE because one time in HS we had an additional week off after break because of the cold. If you ask me to recall good time in HS (the very few) one time would have been that additional week. So many fun times! Many memories which are now pretty much lost. I am the only ones the memories live within. Another great time was New Years 1997 with Leia. Before the horrible friend was around. I remember both of these like they were yesterday and to others they never existed.

This kinda thing happens all the time. It becomes pretty depressing. It’s like being forgettable and one wants to be forgettable. I kept HS notes from close friends, and have boxes of journals from my adolescent and juvenile adventures. These characters who are so real and still so vivid to me are nothing but fiction to them.

I don’t just remember the good and the fun. I also remember the horrible and the reasons behind burning people out of my life. This also makes me sad. When people come back to me and talk about “I don’t even know why we went our separate ways” or “I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought”. I can never say neither do I.

I am riddled with memories of distrust and betrayal. This stands between be burying the hatchet with great people. I don’t have the ability to push it to the back of my mind and let it go. I am constantly waiting for the knife or the let down. This saddens me because I know people grow and get better. They improve on them selves and I can’t take them for the new person they have grown to be but only the person I knew before. I have a lot of examples of this but I cannot put them out there because 85% of the people who have let me down or hurt me have grown since then and it is not fair to hold them to something they would never do now.

I cannot leave this post without mentioning the guilt I feel everyday. I cannot forget the time in HS I called off sick from work because I just wanted to stay with my friends. I cannot for get the time I was 10 and pulled my cousins cat’s tail. I cannot forget any lie I told my mother, slacking off at work, lying to a friend, sleeping with a stranger and forgetting to call a pal back. The promises I made to my self and never followed through on. All these and many more I replay everyday. They are a heavy weight to bear and sometimes I wish I could just forget. Just move on and move past. They haunt me daily and sometimes I just want to run away from them but like any good ghost they follow me everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong. It is not always bad but not forgetting isn’t always good either. I takes me a lot of inner strength to conquer my memory and know that everyday I am trying to be a better more mindful and kind person. It has also taught me no one should ever feel forgotten. One thing is for certain…

I AM AWESOME AT TRIVIA!

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Filed under Faking It, Friends, life, Prefection, relationship, school, Uncategorized, who am i

I hate… tomatoes

Since today is Monday I think it is only fair that I review 10 things I generally hate. Some will be mildly offensive (which is a huge jump for me) and others will be funny but yet a window into my soul…

1. The sound/feeling of cotton cutting. If you think this is nuts then you have no clue what I am talking about. It hurts my teeth. I get the same sensation when yarn is being tied. Since I am not a seamstress I don’t have that happen much, nor am I crafty. I can’t explain it other than I avoid it like I avoid AIDS.

2. Hangovers!! I know everyone hates them but I actually hate them not because of the pain and the constant banging. I don’t hate them because I lose a day to nothingness, and usually this is a day I wanted to be productive. I don’t hate them because it make me fight with my best friend, beer. I hate them because it shows my age. I remember not so long ago when I use to laugh at those who had this foreign sickness. Now, I am that person! It is like with every month I age my hangovers last an extra hour. Before you know it a few drinks with the girls will end up being three days of sickness!

3. Entitlement. I think everyone should earn their own way. If you can’t because of a handicap then fine, your community can help you but if you are not working because you can’t find your dream hours/pay/JOB then GROW THE FUCK UP! It is called being a productive member of society. My opinion is if you want money from the government or as I like to call it “my hard earned money”  then you should be required to take a job working for the man themselves. There are plenty of employment opportunities in the military. What about working for the community food bank, ASPCA or cleaning the parks?? How about working cleaning the local jail, police cars, fire trucks or park bathrooms??? I once ran my own department and I can’t tell you how many people wouldn’t even come in for an interview because they were making more on unemployment… BLAH.

4. Chapstick/ grease stains. I mean seriously who knows how to get that crap out?? I know how to do it if I happen to notice it before I wash and dry it! It just appears out of nowhere! You know we have pretty awesome science but we can’t make a chapstick tube water proof or heat proof!! I know I am not alone on this crap. Lets not even start on how to keep your shirt sleeves clean while cooking….  unless you want to cook like my mom, dry and dull

5. Cell phones. I mean seriously 10 years ago I was functioning fine without a calendar, text messages, facebook and candy crush in my pocket and now I can’t even poop alone! Its not like I am a cell phone addict either I am pretty normal with mine. I am not always on it, I maybe get 1 call a day and 50 texts. I rarely use it as a phone but now for audible books and reading I use it 29/7. I guess that would be expected for someone who started using a purse so I could always have a book on me. Sometimes it scares me how we are all attached to technology. I keep saying I am going to turn off for one day a weekend and I think as I write this and I think of how my phone is nagging me to check it for a text message I didn’t get I really do need to stop this one sided relationship.

6. 24 hour news. As anyone (not like anyone really reads this, I appreciate the one person who keeps reading it) who knows me or has read back I am pretty conservative. All because of fiscal reasons. I don’t give a rats ass who anyone weds and I am extremely pro conservation I just have an issue with anyone telling me the best way to live my life of I have to support people who are unwilling to work. If you told me all my money was going to animal shelters I was be all like “Here take 50% of my pay”. Also, you should probably know I am not a HUGE fan of people. I love my furry friends. Anyways! I think one of the downfalls of American moral is 24 hour news. Let not mention how we have NO non biased news source. I want to scream at my mother because she spends all day watching the news and she is so segregated to the real world and what is going on.  She legitimately thinks this world is ending soon! I just think if you watch too much you start to lose the ability to form your own opinions. She use to read the paper, I wish her and this country would get back to that. All this technology and yet we still let other people think for us. Shame!

7.  Tomatoes! Why is that fruit on EVERYTHING!! Man you can’t even get a salad anymore without them!! They are so gross in their rare form. YUCK… They are slimy and they make you smell if you touch them. The cherry one burrow to the bottom of your salad so you can’t find it till you stabbed it and now you have tomato gew all over your salad. OH and you better read the whole description of your sandwich to know for certain that the slimy prick wont be on it… STOP IT WITH THE TOMATOES

8. Fucking drivers… Ok where I live it is winter and I am convinced that no one lived her last year or the previous 15000 years to know that snow is slick and moist. No one here can drive. If the road is clear then you can drive the speed limit and contrary to belief if it is covered and icy you can NOT drive 20 over. Nope, even if you have a monster truck with 4 wheel drve. What about if it is overcast and dark midday… naw you don’t need your headlights on… It’s cool I really wanted to sideswipe your ass! I mean seriously they let us drive at 16 years old in the country you would think that means we SHOULD have the ability to dive correctly. I am not saying I am a great driver, I am female. At least I am not an idiot!

9. 2 day weekends. It is like a cruel trick. Like here have some time off… No, I take that back come back to work. People hate Mondays because they come too quickly. I really think we all need all Wednesdays off. No more work on hump day!

10. Katy Perry. I am sure she is a swell human being but I really can’t stand her music. No matter what song that woman comes out with I cannot get the catchy non riffs out of my head! I have lost many of days to humming her crappy subpar music. I know this one is  not very kind but seriously I just wish she would have been a one hit wonder hell at this point I just want her to take a few months off. Can she just not put a song out for 6 months?? Maybe even put one out that isn’t on constantly.

Happy Monday all… time for Tuesday

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Filed under fun, Hangovers, Judging, life, Politics, Uncategorized, who am i

Why bitch?

As I try to keep bettering myself I am left wondering why so many people bitch about what’s wrong and never try to change?  I am just so sick of hearing what wrong and never hear people say how they are going to fix it and the steps they are going to take to do so!

Time for a true story. A couple of weeks ago I was at Name that Tune (don’t judge me I am lame and I like it that way!) and a person in our party (I wouldn’t even call him a friend if I was drunk) was complaining about his health. Well, he has Crohn’s and he had part of his bowls resected a few months ago. I told him I know someone who can help and gave him his card. Me and this chap (lets call him StupidO) have had many conversation about how he need to change his diet and he is either the DUMBEST person on earth or need to sue his doctor because he said no one has ever talked to him about his diet BUT he was given a diet to follow. I know is that hard to follow because I was in the conversation and wanted to hang myself just to get out of it. Well, anyways I gave him a number of someone who can help him. Yesterday he was bragging on Social Media he just ate 24 boneless wings! WTF never talk to me again on how you are always feeling ill!

My wonderful other-half does it on his weight all the time, shut up and do something.

I really want people to start taking ownership and fixing what is broken. Let me tell you it isn’t easy but at the end of the day you feel much better bettering yourself rather than bitching about what you have problems with. I think I am going to institute a new rule, I am only going to acknowledge you when you are complaining about something you are working on. Like when MM (name I am giving my otherhalf) bitches about his weight I will only engage him if he is actually doing something about it and I don’t think sneaking up at midnight for a peanut butter sandwich counts as productively working toward weight loss. I am serious, he did that last night. Or maybe I will just start being cruel like if StupidO (who is currently bumping uglys with my friend) starts whining about his health I will kindly just start writing his obituary on a napkin… OH and look then I am working on myself to, writing more!

I am really not a people person!

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Filed under Faking It, Judging, Prefection, standards, Uncategorized, who am i

Lets try this again….

Round 4 lets have a go at it.

I desperately want to be a writer, actually I just want to get my written word out there in some sort of format. I know like everything else it takes practice. I have thought I have had the motivation before but as I usually work I gave up or in my mind “I’ll do it tomorrow”.  I don’t think I have ever really owned up to my dreams and desires. I went to college for one of my dreams but after that it just go too hard. So I go all out for a few months then I let it die. This year I am bound and determined to not let my dreams slowly die. So excuse me but for the first few months I am going to do this even if it is not that awesome or great content.

I am also not going to let my other life pursuits die even if I have to go into blog world to find motivation. I know that everyday it is a fight to be the best person I can be but at least I am trying, right? I am sure people have different ideas on how to come by this or even how you should go about it. Well, I have always said I am my own person so I will have to find my own way, no matter the struggle I may have.

This week my goals are to write 3 times (two now) and compose a letter to a friend that I let fade away. To most people these things my not be tough but I  am horrible about my personal time management which is hilarious because in my work life that is something I pride myself on. Pride is over rated anyways. In case you care one of my other goals is to fall back in love with working out… like this and bettering my friendship abilities it is work in process.

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Filed under being wrong, career, Crap, life

Hello NEW and IMPROVED life!

Happy Friday everyone!!!

There is a lot going on this weekend and guess what its not all on my DVR! Do you know what that means? I have a life again! Not only am I seeing someone who I don’t have to take everywhere with me but I have made a effort to be a better friend (See you the 19th missy, btw I can’t figure this skype thing out).

For  the first time in a year and a half I am back and better than ever. I wish it didn’t take a loser to make me realize what was wrong but I am kinda glad he did. Now I have been working on a few books for awhile now but I have been so against myself I have not had the drive to do anything with them so back to them I shall go. I am not good at writing and the only way to get better is to practice so I have started practicing again. What you haven’t seen me practicing the last few days? Well, I try to keep my dating struggles off this blog and it has failed sometime so if you care check out my other one A new road. My goal is to write one post a day minus weekends and when I feel confidant I will return to my books.

Not that anyone care what my weekend plans are but since I am female I will tell you anyways. I have happy hour at Moo’s house tonight (I love when my friends come up with nicknames for them selves so much easier) and Sorach has her wedding in a few months which I am going to it alone to avoid unnecessary drama (will explain on my other blog at another time) and we are doing invites tomorrow. I am going to try to have a day date with boy who will remain nameless (bwwrn from now until he earns his nickname) on Sunday. I am also going to hit the gym at least twice the next three days. I have a fricken life and great friends!

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Filed under Dating, Friends, life, who am i

Just human….

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
Winston Churchill 

I am human. Just like everyone else I make mistakes. I am not under the assumption that I am perfect nor do I believe that anyone is or should be. Imperfection is part of being alive. Mistakes are what teach us our greatest lessons. I have learned great things in my life because of the mistakes I have made. I learned a long time ago that an apology doesn’t automatically mean forgiveness and to apologize expecting forgiveness is just an empty apology with an ulterior motive. Just as every other human on the face of this earth I have complex emotions which are my right as a human being. It’s what distinguishes me from the rest of the mammals, other wise I am just a bottle nose dolphin with out the breath holding capabilities.

After the debacle of accidentally publishing something I took a few days to take a long hard look at who I really am. How do I really treat my friends? Would I accept someone like me in my life?

I have many flaws to which I am not blind. I have a hell of a temper. I spend a lot of my time just keeping my mouth shut, which is usually for the better. Better to think before you speak than regret what is said. I don’t know when sarcasm is acceptable and when to just be polite. I have a disturbing sense of humor. I have had to make hard moral choices and not always was the best choice made.  I have opened my mouth when it should have stayed shut and vise versa but at the end of the day can I stand to look myself in the mirror?

Yes, I can. My friends, those who stand by me and are honestly and openly there with no ill words or judgments, know that my doors are always open. I will bend over backwards for them. I will pick them up at the drop of a dime. Listen to them when they are in the worst state of being. I will confront a person on their behalf and defend them while their back is turned. I will treat their children as my own. I will give them my opinion when it is asked of me and support them in all endeavors.  The guys I have dated? 90% of them hold me in high respect and still consider me a friend. They can talk to me openly and honestly about everything in their life without me bringing our past into it. When it comes to my work ethic? I am always going over and above. I don’t take pens or paper, even those handy notebooks. I am there on time and leave when I am scheduled to, not a minute sooner. I usually take work home with me or go in when I am suppose to be off. My bills are paid on time. I am debit free. I buy my rounds when the time comes. All and all I am not afraid of what St. Peter will say when I arrive at the pearly gates. Yes, like most of us there will be a folder involved with some questionable actions. I have done something’s in spite. I have let anger get the best of me at times but nothing to condemn me to hell.

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Filed under Judging, Prefection, who am i